From Broken to Whole
Vacation by its definition represents the action of leaving something one previously occupied. When I started out on my physical vacation this year, I was not expecting to also find myself leaving behind old habits of thought and emotion. The beach is a place where the vastness of the ocean can inspire me and draw perspective. That is what this year’s trip down the east coast brought me.
I, like most people, can appreciate the glory of basking in the sun and getting lost in the sound and spray of the ocean waves crashing on the sea shore. But I am particularly fond of what unique treasures those waves bring in. I am a beach comber. My sometimes obsessive desire to find shells on the beach has only been reinforced by years of exciting finds and meaningful experiences. This year, however, I found myself struggling with disappointment as I combed beaches in South Carolina, Florida, and Georgia. Each beach I visited held the promise of finding that one undiscovered prize. Over the years of finding treasure, I have consistently sought after the next find that I haven’t uncovered yet. That is why I was particularly interested in the elusive unbroken sand dollar.
This year’s journey was unique for me. It seemed that all the shells disappeared from the beaches. I searched and searched and nothing was being washed ashore. I waited patiently for low tide, I watched eagerly for what the waves would bring, and I walked through the untouched sand in hopes to uncover something that might have been buried. Nothing! Except, I started to find pieces of what I ultimately desired. It started with a corner of a beat up petrified looking sand dollar. My response was both elated and all the more determined. It was all that I needed to convince me that I was going to find perfection this year. Before I knew it, I had found dozens of broken pieces. For an entire week, I stood in the waves collecting busted, shattered, and cracked pieces being washed up one by one as if to taunt me. Each piece I acquired only reinforced my search.
By the end of my trip two weeks later, my eyes were trained. The last beach I visited before reaching home was my last chance. As I walked the beach, I was becoming even more discouraged. I had gained the skill of finding these broken pieces and my now focused eyes were uncovering them everywhere. Despite the fact that I had already gathered almost a hundred pieces, it could not stop me from trying to pick up every new piece I found. Until, I realized something. I was unable to find what I was truly searching for because in my attempts I had become trained to only see the broken. I had lost sight of my ultimate goal and was beginning to settle for what I was now used to. I had started to convince myself that broken pieces were better than nothing. And instead of letting the broken pieces motivate me to keep searching for what was whole; I had begun to search for higher quantity of the lesser to fill the void of not having the desired.
I started to take a vacation from my thoughts on that last beach and realized that on a grander scale, I needed to stop focusing on the broken pieces in my life. We all have desires in our hearts, whether it is to find a beach treasure or to be happy in our relationships, jobs, or even how we see ourselves. We search for things and we make meaning of the journey it takes us to find it. Sometimes along that journey we lose perspective. At first we are elated and motivated by even the smallest glimmer of hope that what we are looking for is near. Then over time as we only finding these broken unsatisfying pieces, we become trained to expect only that. Before we know it, we have stopped searching for what we set out for and instead settle for more quantity of what is broken. It is a cycle that is easily recreated by where we place our focus and how we train ourselves to respond to life around us.
In the end, I stopped picking up the broken pieces and I made some room in my hand for what I was really searching for. Just as I was ready to step off the beach and say goodbye, I looked down to see something my eyes were not trained to see. The perfect outline of a star was showing up through the sand. As I reached down to pick it up, I indeed pulled out a whole sand dollar. It looked nothing like the jagged pieces. It was smooth and pristine. No wonder I was not able to see it before. My eyes were untrained and I was too willing to settle.
My hope for you in life is that as you search for your treasure, you are able to stop the cycle of focusing attention on gaining more of the broken long enough so that you can embrace that delightful moment when you uncover the one unique find that is whole. It takes work and it may require you to step back, refocus, let go, and make some room.